Monday, June 16, 2008

Confessions of a Kleptomaniac

I steal. I'll admit it right now. (No, no, I won't steal from you, so next time you invite me over don't go to all the trouble of hiding your Frette linens and Rock Band accessories.) But staying at hotels so often, I've come to realize that I have a serious problem with taking (complimentary) hotel garnishings In fact, the toiletry obsession has gotten so out of control, our hall closet is suddenly overflowing with mini bottles of Bliss, L'Occitane and Kiehl's products. Oops.

Exhibit A: I've spent the last three nights in hotels -- in St. Helena, Nevada City, and Rutherford, respectively -- and walked away with 11 mini bottles of shampoo, conditioner and body wash (not to mention, two bottles of wine, a chocolate bar and a vial of Italian liqueur) from my endeavors. Who does that (other than homeless people in the Tenderloin)??? It also never fails that each time I check out of a hotel, I do the twice over to make sure I haven't left anything and spot a lone hotel-branded pen sitting on the executive desk across the room. Should I take it? Leave it there for the next guest? I pause. Then I do a quick lunge-and-grab maneuver (similar to Elle Wood's bend-and-snap routine) and conceal it in my bag quicker than you can say "Kristin's swiping pens again, Mom!" And if the hotel leaves bottles of water by the bed, it's on. Even if I haven't cracked the cap, they're all going in my purse before I leave. Particularly with this book I'm writing, every time I check into a hotel, they leave an fancy amenity -- whether it's a plate of Godiva-covered strawberries or an expensive bottle of wine. While I usually don't check in until too late to drink an entire bottle, I always take it with my in my suitcase. A couple weeks ago, I even walked out of the inn we were staying in in Sacramento with the plate of chocolate-drizzled berries and took them as my contribution to Lisa's housewarming party (what's the opposite of an Indian giver?). Scott and I have such a collection of fancy comp booze these days that I really should invite you all over to help us consume it.

I'm not really sure what it is about frivolous freebies that gets my adrenaline pumping. Maybe it's the fact that you pay so much for a hotel room that you feel you need to squeeze every last penny out of the company (granted, I'm not paying for any of these rooms, but still...). It got so bad when I was staying at the Raleigh in Miami for four nights a Glamour shoot last December that I would hide the Kiehl's shampoo and conditioner in my makeup bag each morning just so the maid would leave me more. You'd think I grew up on the streets and this was a defense mechanism for having to fend for myself.

Actually, though, as a child I used to take things that weren't meant to be complimentary. In fact, as a four year old, I would get really excited to go to Kroger's with my mom -- that's one of the major Southern supermarkets for all of you non-Southerners -- because while she was in the produce section, I would steal away (no pun intended) to the candy aisle and pocket an individually-wrapped caramel or two (or five). She never really noticed until Kari came along when I was almost six and I used her carseat to hoard my goods. I may have been sneaky, but smart I was not. I guess then it was no surprise that Kari would follow suit -- when she was two (and wow, talk about your Terrible Twos -- my little sis epitomized this saying), she somehow managed to take a handful of keychain photo frames from a homes store my mom frequented. (At least my stealing was productive: While I could eat my thefts, what was a two year old going to do with keychains?) My mom found out and was mortified: She marched her right back to the store and made her return them. The owners thought it was hilarious and let her keep them. Not the best example to set for an impressionable toddler (terror).

Luckily, I grew out of that by the time I entered elementary school and learned only to steal things that were actually meant for me (like hotel goods and boys' heart...buh-duh-dum). I recall hitting middle school and being with some friends at Wal-Mart and seeing them stuff packets of gum and Tic-Tacs in their pockets. I was so shocked, goody-two-shoes that I was/am, I was tempted to narc on them (I didn't, of course). While it seemed perfectly acceptable to steal caramels as a kid, when you hit your teen years, you weren't supposed to pull those shenanigans anymore.

How about you guys: Do you have a theft story from your youth? Is there anything you have a tendency to take now (I'm talking like free pens or mints; I don't want to know if it warrants a felony!)?

Off to run 18 miles now, uuuuugh, please leave me some lovin' for when I return! xoxo

16 comments:

SLynnRo said...

Wait, are there people who DON'T do this? My bathroom is full of stolen stuff (Though really, I don't consider this to be stealing!).

And I used to steal from the Brach's Pick a Mix containers at Wal-Mart. YUM.

Aprille said...

Actually the ONLY pens I have are pens from the desks and bedside stands of hotels. I don't think it is a problem, I think it's downright thrifty lol. I restocked last week in DC actually.

Besides, if you don't take the wine housekeeping will and you don't want them getting drunk on the job and spraying themselves in the eyes with bleach right? It is a public service your doing here.

k said...

my roommate would always steal bar paraphenalia when she was drunk. i guess they were mostly promo items, so meant to be taken, but it was always hilarious to come home at the end of the night and she was she had stashed in her huge peruse. it then spread to sorority formals... once she came home with (cheap-ass) salad tongs?!?!

personally, i have a collection of pint glasses that i used to stick in my own large purse...

Ali said...

i sometimes steal splenda from starbucks. i know it's a horrible habit...but one packet of splenda is the perfect amount to add to my coffee...and i only buy the big giant bag...so, sometimes, i'll use one and pocket a few.

is that bad?

crap. it's bad, isn't it?

transienttravels said...

There were purple pens at my first job after college - I loved them. When I quit, my boss, who was a an idiot and who I hated, caught me pouring piles of them into my purse on my last day.

Nothing But Bonfires said...

I stole a plate in Germany. I really liked it and I was slightly drunk, so I just put it in my purse and walked out of the bar. Which is why I usually carry such an enormous one.

Abby said...

Like you I take home trial size shampoos and soap from hotel rooms but only the ones worth taking. (I PAID for them, why not?) I’m a product snob so I’ll only take products from Bliss, Aveda, and L’Occitane since I use these brands. Everything else would just take up room in my already small closet so I don’t even bother.

I’m also guilty of taking home office supplies like pens, paper and tape but only enough to finish a project at home. This usually happens during the holiday season when I am too lazy to buy colored pens and tape on my way home from work.

jonniker said...

Oh dude, I take the toiletries. You mean from the ROOM, where they want you to take them, or from the hotel staff? I know people who do that, but I haven't crossed that line. But dude, the toiletries and pens I RUN AWAY WITH.

As for other stealing, I'm going to admit something so dorky: I've never stolen anything -- really stolen -- in my life. Ever. I'm an obsessive Capricorn rule follower, and even if there was no chance I'd ever get caught, I WOULD KNOW.

I'm embarrassed about this: all of my friends have stolen something. ALL OF THEM. Except me. Never. Not even when I was a kid. NOTHING. NOT A PIECE OF BRACHS.

boXer girl said...

Have you ever bought a pair of jeans (designer or not, but mostly on the designer) and they have a really cool logo on a separate swatch of material, pinned to the belt loop? I steal those!

In other news, you've been tagged. (hope you don't mind) See my blog for directions!

Katrin said...

I got through all of my university courses with stolen pens and paper from hotels where I stayed at during my job as tour guide. Also, I pack any toiletries that I can get.

As a child, I don't think I stole anything besides the strawberries from my grandma's garden.

May Vanderbilt said...

I recently learned am I THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET who does not steal the little shampoo bottles. I mean MAYBE I would if they were Bliss products but as a rule I don't.

I think I have too much Christian guilt...

Don Mills Diva said...

If I didn't steal hotel toiletries my mom would have NOTHING in her Christmas stocking and THAT would be wrong!

Heather B. said...

Does this mean you don't want to hear about the hat I stole from JCrew like a decade ago?

I take the toiletries usually but now that I have to fit everything inside a quart size bag, I don't take as much stuff. Like it has to be really good like Bliss or Kiehl's but nothing else.

Anonymous said...

I certainly don't think it is stealing! I agree with the concept that it is the least you can do to recover a few pennies of the outrageous hotel and motel charges. I too am simply unable to leave the room without picking up everything conceivably "giveaway". Sometimes I even take the tea bags and tiny sugar bags...jeeze how cheap can I get? Pens? I never buy pens. I try to keep every pen handed to me including those belonging to my friends and family...you are warned
joan van velsor

Anonymous said...

I think that its NOT considered stealing the pens, paper and other toiletries that are placed in the room you are renting for the night. I think these items are included with your stay, however if your sneaking in their stock room and taking more then your share this is considered stealing. But be very careful that it doesn't become a big-time addiction. I steal from everywhere!! I'm out of control!! I steal clothes and food mainly. If I feel like eating lobster, I go to my local grocer and take it. If I need a new work shirt, I take it. Lotions and potions from Walmart, you name it. I gotta quit...someone HELP!!

k said...

As a child I thought that it was ok to just help myself to the candy at the checkout of the grocery store while my parents were distracted paying. I still feel the need to take shampoos/lotions from hotels!